Pretty Good Pugnacity
by Ramblin' Gamblin' Willie
This is not a story, so, of course, persons attempting to find a plot in this narrative will be shot--by purely conceptual munitions, anyway.
Item 1: Some sweet soul sent my story "How Bubba pulled it off", an informal interview with our Kiss-It-And-Don't-Tell President, to firstname.lastname@example.org, which is the Wanker-In-Chief's actual email address. Nothing happened, of course. The U.S. Constitution gives us the right to petition our government with grievances, but that doesn't prevent our government from ignoring us like mewling kittens. But there's this, which I heard on TV: If you want someone's attention... whisper...
Item 2: The latest version of Pretty Good Privacy, truly excellent whispering software, was available from a file server in the United Kingdom before it had even been officially released in the United States. This is ironic, if you have to be told, because the policy of the First Liar and the United States government is that truly excellent whispering software is a "munition" and must not be exported.
Now we know these people are very stupid, as evidenced by the fact that they can't get real jobs. But it must require a profound kind of stupidity first to regard ideas--software--as munitions and then to expect that the transfer of ideas could be impeded by any means short of a half-nelson. However, they are evidently smart enough to know that frog-marching allegedly "free" people makes for bad television. Even Gandhi wanted just a little more airtime when he was Walking Spanish on the news.
But since I am absolutely nothing if not civic-minded, I've resolved to pitch in and help. The U.S. file servers from which Pretty Good Privacy is distributed are supposed to make sure that each would-be downloader is in fact a True American whisperer and not some loathsome, evil, unwashed foreign spy. Something's not working right, obviously, so I thought I'd devise a quiz that only True Americans can pass.
This is not as easy as it sounds. If you watch those old episodes of "Hogan's Heroes" on the UHF channels, they always spot the True Americans by asking, "What's a Texas leaguer?" But they had it really easy, since the True Americans were always foxy Valkyrie babes, and the loathsome, evil, unwashed foreign spies were short, swarthy men with names that sounded like coughing fits. I admit I don't quite understand the wisdom of fighting Nazi racism by reinforcing it, but then I don't know what a Texas leaguer is, either.
Anyway, when you finish the quiz, your responses will be emailed to email@example.com so that the Man With His Hand On The Pulse Of The Nation (Or Something) can determine for himself that you are in fact a True American. This may not seem to be all that sharp, since, from every evidence, a True American is in actual fact a mutation congenitally incapable of smelling a rat. But the Master Debater will probably just pass your mail on to the CIA, so you should be safe--unless you own an aspirin factory. If you want to be extra safe, whisper your email with Pretty Good Privacy. That'll get you some attention.
Here's the quiz. You don't have to supply your true email address, but if you do you'll get a copy of the snotty email that goes to the Big Creep. And don't worry about getting every answer just right. You can always download Pretty Good Privacy from an offshore server...
I'm a True American and I can prove it!